When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I AM VODKA MAN
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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