I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
