there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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