Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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