I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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