im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't put those talents on a resume
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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