She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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