my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize