Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
