my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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