it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
