My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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