listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
