If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
