lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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