I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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