I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
