happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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