I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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