I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
