I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize