Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
