I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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