I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
