i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
