My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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