At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
