I think my fart just growled at me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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