You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
