i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
COCAINE IS GR8
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
