As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
