I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
