Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
