we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
