dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
