Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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