Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize