He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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