we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize