im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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