After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
