I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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