so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
