He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
