hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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