matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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