i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
