and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize