dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
