someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You're a waste of cheezeits
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
