Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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