It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
