Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
