i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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