anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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