someone threw a dead crab at me
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
