Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
