My liver just broke up with me...
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just found puke in my bra..
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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