dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
